How can it take this from me

Each morning

No better than the last

But different from before

One option has been removed

Symptoms replace each other

Gnawing thoughts

Unbearable, repeated inaction

How to continue

Unclear

Without stopping

Even a second

A kaleidoscope of grey

Fragmenting

Ever bleaker

A shattered…

--

--

I hope it's satisfying that I still can’t sleep

that is the impact you've had

Your image colonizes my brain cell by cell

warm and conflicted

Regret, angst, longing, nostalgia

under your control

I miss you but it's unsatisfying

I’m grateful and hurt

and part of me is ok with…

--

--

red wine, I’m high, your smiling. A lot

You laugh. You just exude happiness

all the more impressive because I know it’s not easy

how do You make it look easy

it’s like drugs

I, still at times, get nervous around You

anxiety born from disbelief

I don’t know what…

--

--

I want to tell you something

but I’m afraid you’ll realize my nightmare

the worst case

I wrote that stanza, just above, 8 months ago

it still haunts me

I wanted to tell you I loved you

Each time we parted

on the phone

or in person, or just said…

--

--

if it helps to know

I’ll do my best

not to let you get to me

but you will

and I’ll think of nice things

and doing them for

and with you

bottles of wine

too late at night

darts

I'm shit at darts

unplugging the string lights

the old…

--

--

emptiness and something else

emptiness

generally apt

a fair description

my emotions grey

beige

shifting slowly

from almost one

to almost another

and,

splash

a ripple here

a ripple there

things still hurt

but the colors are brighter

more full

living

not hollow

I'm reeling

but still

I maintain a…

--

--

like when the music cuts out in a movie

and the camera zooms in on one character's face

just as they are having some important thought

we hear it narrated

that kind of stop

for no reason

maybe as a result of tiredness

exhaustion which I didn't earn

sometimes it…

--

--

Spencer Healy

I go to university, I’m a struggling optimist. some of these are proper narrative pieces and some are more poetry, others lean towards stream of consciousness.