More clinical than alone
less emotional than lonely
Waking up each day
only to wait to go back to sleep
I wonder often the value of my wasted time
But I can do little more
than remain in this stupor
enamored by the comfortable suffering
stuck in a hole of endlessly thickening mud
This can lead to social cravings
an almost frightening feeling of need
for others, for social warmth
of which there is little at my disposal
of course, by my own doing
A deeper craving for community and belonging
contrasted with the knowledge
that I have these things
They are all around
And that I have beautiful friends
and what I feel a lack of
Is within reach
But even after these efforts
I remain paralyzed
Nearly Physically Unable to Move Now
I sit and lay down, alternating endlessly
often craving that very same loneliness
in the few social environments I encounter
as if arrogantly and unconsciously denying myself the pleasure
The list of people and places around which I feel comfortable
seems to be getting shorter
alarmingly quickly
That’s terrifying…
Below all the melancholy resides a layer of primal fear
I'm terrified
I'm horrified
An analogy could be made to someone walking on a tightrope, existing in a constant state of panic
from the risk of a fall.
“One little gust of wind is all it takes,” the tightrope walker thinks
so he focuses on the task at hand, and nothing else
